Our Family Journey

People are starting to ask questions. Considering I was the person who could not wait to have children, I think people are starting to realize that something is up. And the question and wondering is correct; something is up. It has been almost 4 years now and time to break the silence I guess. It definitely is not easy to talk about it, but I feel like it is time. I don't want to make people wonder any longer. I don't want people to feel awkward to ask me about it. And I want to hopefully be a comfort to someone who might be struggling as well. Infertility (ugh... the dreaded word) is something that is much easier to get through when you have support... because it sucks!

I remember playing a game at a Student Council Retreat my first year of college. We had to answer certain questions about ourselves to help us get to know each other better. My question was, "What is your biggest fear?" I wrote, "That I won't be able to have children." People laughed because...

1) I was single and that should be the least of my worries, and

2) chances were it was never going to happen to me.

 I have grown up wanting a large family. If I could have my way I would have 5 or 6 children. Children are my life! I always wanted to be either a neonatal or pediatric nurse... and a mom of course. When the nursing bit didn't quite work out I jumped into becoming an elementary school teacher. Why? Because of the children. I love children. Everything about them. Plus, I thought it would be something that I could do when I became a mother as well. I have planned my entire life over this one thing... being a mother.

Here is our journey so far:

In 2011, (three months after getting married) I conceived after missing a couple of birth control pills. I was pretty upset. I was not ready to bring a child into the world. We barely knew each other still. Mark was delighted though. Everyday he tried to convince me that things were going to be alright and that this was actually a GOOD thing. As the days of our first appointment drew near, I started listening to Mark and convincing myself that things were indeed going to be okay. Unfortunately, I miscarried at ten weeks. It was extremely difficult to cope with it at first, but I soon realized that it was probably for the better. Mark and I were going to get more time to get to know each other better, and strengthen our marriage. In February of 2013 we decided it was time to start trying again. After a year had passed we thought it was odd that we were not getting pregnant. We decided to see a doctor about it since there was a possibility that something was not normal. After not finding anything wrong (other than my Progesterone levels being slightly on the lower end) they decided to put me on Clomid and Progesterone Supplements. I did 6 cycles of Clomid and took the Progesterone for an entire year. Nothing happened again. Then they decided that they could not figure it out, so they sent me down to Denver to see a specialist. Within the first 30 minutes of seeing the specialist I learned more than I had with my doctors for two years. The specialist did some tests and sure enough it was PCOS.

PCOS. For those of you who don't know, the acronym stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Apparently it affects 5-10% of women of childbearing age, but I only personally know a couple other women who have it. PCOS sucks!! Your hormones are completely whack through your entire cycle!! Some cycles are long, some are short; just depends on your hormones that month. The long cycles are the worst because you get your hopes up that you are actually pregnant. When your cycle is late it is impossible not to get your hopes up. I always end up taking a pregnancy test "just to be sure." The months I try not to take one I have constant anxiety because I just don't know. Then I end up googling a million symptoms... maybe in hopes that it will magically turn into pregnancy!?  Each month is a whirlwind of emotions. The financial aspect has not made it easy as well. Between the countless ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, medications, doctor appointments, ultrasounds, diagnostic testing, gas to get down to Denver, etc. we have spent more than we would have ever liked on something that should have been so natural and easy. I know that this is not the end of the world, and that there are people around me who have it much worse, but this is my struggle and my trial right now, and it is not always an easy one for me to handle.

I still feel a little awkward saying the word "infertility," even though I know I shouldn't. It is a word that has controlled my life these past few years, so I am slowly learning to accept it. Even though this trial has been extremely challenging, and I DO get anxious and sad quite regularly, it does not mean I do not have faith. I do. No way in heck would I be able to get through the anxieties and the worries without a loving Heavenly Father by my side. BUT having faith doesn't mean that I don't ever feel sad, angry, and confused. I have faith that He will be with me through it all. I have faith that it will be okay in the end. The battle along the way is still not easy. And it isn't supposed to be.

Luckily, we have such incredible family members, friends, and our religion to help us through this. People truly have been so kind and understanding. We don't want anyone to think that they can't ask us anything, or feel awkward around us. When you ask us about how things are going in regards to our infertility, we know you care! Also, I love seeing/ snuggling your babies and want you to feel comfortable talking about "baby related" things with me. So please don't feel weird about that.. because it actually helps me in the end. Even though sometimes I do feel a little sad/ jealous, I still want to hear the wonderful things happening in your life too. :)